We have recently moved to a different apartment. Unfortunately, the new furniture for the old apartment arrived just two weeks before we had decided to move. The new sectional was handsome enough, but it was HARD. Almost like a cloth covered wooden bench.
The apartment owner came up after the delivery to make sure we were pleased. It was SO awkward, we tried to avoid telling her that we were moving anyway, since the rental contract is not between us and we don't ultimately have decision making power. But she asked if the furniture was comfortable...
"Well, maybe you should sit on it," I answered. She complied and a look of alarm crossed her face. "It is very hard!"
"Yes, it is."
"Not comfortable at all!" she continued. "I am so disappointed! But what if we have the old furniture re-covered with new material? Would that be good for you."
There was no way around answering truthfully, but I still stalled. "The old furniture was broken so that it sloped toward the front. I don't think it would be worth re-covering."
"Then we'll have to get something better for you."
"Actually, the mission had a couple move unexpectedly and the mission is moving us into their vacant apartment."
Shock, disappointment, and a Herculean struggle to control her emotions followed. But her eyes teared up and she turned her back to us as she wiped her eyes, apologizing profusely.
"You don't need to apologize. We understand."
"It's because I just got back from France where I had many tests done. The doctors say they are 85% certain that the pain I have in my (indicated lower abdomen) is cancer. I have little children!"
Nobody has ever felt more worm-ish than I did at that moment. We know her a little and consider her a friend. But the apartment had some unfixable problems that make it pretty unsuitable for long term residents. The rest of the complex is operated as an Air-B&B.
I tried to comfort her but she continued to apologize for crying.
I assured her that in our culture, it was perfectly acceptable to weep in front of others and that nobody would think badly of someone who did it. Jeff added that in our culture, even the men cry sometimes.
Still turned away, she turned to look at Jeff. "Men crying in our culture is an abomination."
Wow that's a strong word!
"Men never let anyone see them cry. I don't know why. We are all human beings."
This explains something that we had been unnerved by. While teaching or speaking, (always using a translator) sometimes the listeners will smile at a joke, but they NEVER show any personal emotion.
Once when Sister Bird was giving her testimony and saying goodbye to those people who have become so dear, she got choked up and her voice broke. There was an audible cry of alarm from the audience.
A sweet aspect of the culture here is the mother/child relationship. It's extremely uncommon for a child to cry during the long, stuffy Church meetings. If a baby starts to get anxious, the mother whips out her breast and feeds the little tyke. On Saturday, we were teaching English Connect 2 class and a pretty lady we had not met before joined us. She untied the 18 month-old child from her back and let her toddle around the room for awhile. But soon, the baby crawled up on her mother's lap and snuggled in to nurse. There was no embarrassment, and no attempt to cover herself. After all, babies don't like the sheet over their heads so they can't look around! The most interesting part was that it was several minutes before I even noticed. At any given time during our Sacrament meetings there will be three or four mothers nursing, usually without any cover. (sorry, no pictures.)
Another aspect of the culture that we are learning is that generally/culturally, many have no problem with asking someone they assume is richer than they are for money. I'm sure the uber-wealthy Americans get this all the time, too, so maybe it's not local culture but human nature. But as white Americans, total strangers at church, on the street, or in the markets will ask/demand money from us. Someone even got ahold of my Venmo number, (which isn't a thing here) and now sends me bills on my American phone saying, "I'm having a hard time and hope you can help me. (requests $10, requests $15). I've never met this person! Today as we walked along a sidewalk (in search of a new fruit stand close to our new apartment,) we went past a school. Three of the kids thrust their hands out, saying "Give me money!"
At the beginning of our mission, I felt terrible every time I declined to help someone. But now, I've become calloused. The promises that apply to living the Gospel of Jesus Christ, are throughout the Bible and Book of Mormon. That truly is the only solution to the societal problems we face here and in other impoverished places. We see the debilitating effects of rewarding beggars/ demanders.
But if there is any possible way for me to use or eat something offered on the street, I buy. We pay people for services we could easily do ourselves (and in many cases would prefer to do ourselves). We also carry packets of cookies so that when a child tells us they are hungry, we can hand them some cookies.
Giving money to someone on the street is cue for being mobbed. Imagine how difficult or impossible it would be to function here if it was thought that missionaries give away free money!
As you read this, you're imagining how you would handle this problem, I hope. But the long view in my mind, is like this. These people are generally poorer than anybody most Americans will ever encounter. Over decades, they have been through wars and unrest and oppression and disappointment, hunger and hopelessness. But to give them money for doing nothing reinforces the hope that they really can get something for nothing. Many have the idea that most people are more fortunate than they are, more lucky and that they have little or no control over their own lives. So somebody else giving them free stuff becomes their hope. "I just need to beg from the right person." (I'm not philosophizing, I'm explaining our experiences. "GIVE ME MONEY!" GIVE ME CHRISTMAS!" "GIVE ME FOOD!")
I suppose it's the same process of spoiling a child. The more you give them what they demand for free, the less capable they are of earning it.
We know a young Rwandan man who asked us to sponsor him to go to America. We told him we were signed up for a 2 year mission, and didn't expect to take anyone home with us.
He moved on to another senior couple and made the same request. They looked into it and learned that sponsoring someone in the US obligates the sponsor for up to $250,000 over ten years and if they ever take public assistance, the SPONSOR is fined and must pay back whatever benefit was received. They told him 'no'.
He came back later and cheerfully informed them, "I have a solution that will please us both. You can adopt me!"
He was unemployed, in his mid twenties, and pursuing no education.
Obviously these experiences are new to us. We're grappling with questions that we've never dealt with before. But the solutions are the same for this society as they are for every other...righteousness begets prosperity. The receivers MUST participate in the righteousness!
We redouble our prayers to know how to respond in a way that will please the Lord we serve and to do as much genuine good as we possibly can.
Another sweet aspect of the culture here is the childlike approach to friendship and welcoming strangers.
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